Texas Our Texas

I recently encountered another Texan on a forum who declared, "I can't imagine living anywhere else than Texas."

As a native Texan myself, I remember thinking the same thing, but in fact, I have lived several places other than "God's gift to the earth" and have found it, if nowhere near as glorious, at least tolerable.

This was my reply to her:

The reasons are many why you can't imagine living anywhere else. The number one reason, if you are a native Texan, is that the greatness that is Texas is drilled into your brain from birth and only escalates as you advance from grade to grade in school...

A good Texas school will teach you

1) The Texas State Song ("Texas, Our Texas")
2) The State Bird (Mockingbird)
3) State flower (Bluebonnet)
4) How to dispose of a damaged Texas flag (you don't).
5) How to tell good BBQ brisket from bad (you can).
6) Texas was once its own country
7) That there still is a possiblity that we could secede from the union
etc., etc.,

You will be told the story of the Alamo and the capture of General Lopez De Santa Anna. You will shudder when you recall the battle song that Santa Anna's men played when they attacked: "Deguello" meaning "No Quarter."

You will praise the winter, curse the summer, be awed by a field of bluebonnets, remember fondly your childhood swimming hole, savor every drop of a cold Shiner beer and when in church (every Sunday) you will look towards the heavens (no matter what state you may be living in at the time) and declare with a strong and steady voice,

"Thank you God for making me a Texan!"

Amen.

Salvation in the form of The Sonic comes to Salem

The Sonic "America's Drive-In" landed in Salem. Sweet french toast sticks and chicken fingers!

The Sonic plays a large part in the history of my Texas youth. We would "buzz" the Sonic on many a Friday night. We'd pull up to the speaker and in one voice, a small group of boys would sing, "Here is order, four glasses of water."

I hear that traffic was lined up around the block when it opened here. 90 minute waits.

It just shows the depth of the restaurant misery that the citizens of Salem go through on a daily basis when a hamburger shop can tie up traffic for hours. We are a desperate lot.

Thanks goodness for Sonic. Now, please hurry with that order of onion rings.

Las Vegas Comes To Salem

Good grief! If it wasn't bad enough that I am exiled in one of America's top entertainment wastelands, now they've gone and put up 4 Las Vegas styled billboards.

If you thought Salem was bordering on the other side of ugly, wait until you see what monstrosities a particular sign company here in Salem hath rot (sic).

I'll try to post some pictures later so you get can get the full effect, but trust me, it's dog-ugly.

One step forward, two steps back. That's the way you do the Salem, Oregon dance into the future.

El Gigante Burrito

I was running late to work this morning and decided to go through the nearest Mexican fast food restaurant (of which there are dozens here in Salem) drive-thru window and order a breakfast taco.

Now in Texas, when you order a breakfast taco, you pay a buck or buck-fifty for a small tortilla with egg and potato, cheese and some kind of breakfast meat.

Oregon does not have breakfast tacos. They have what they call a "breakfast burrito" for right around three bucks. It is like three Texas sized burritos rolled into one and takes two hands to manage eating it.

I don't know. I know I'm supposed to like big things since I'm from Texas, but I've got to tell you, this thing is downright vulgar. I still ate it, even though it was massive.

Still, it's just not the same and is one more thing I miss about Texas.

Dear Governor Perry

Governor Rick Perry
Office of the Governor
P.O. Box 12428
Austin, Texas 78711-2428

4-15-08

Dear Governor Perry,

Thank you for your recent note.

Yes, it has been a long time (4 years to be exact) since my "assignment" as Texas Ambassador to the Pacific Northwest.

Our headquarters up here in the little outpost of Salem, Oregon (population 1 1/2 BBQ joints, 0 Tex-Mex restaurants) is nicely central to the Pacific Northwest area, even if it is a little light on the entertainment side of things. You know (better than anyone) how much a Texan likes his country music, BBQ and Tex-Mex food.

The only places I have been able to find here in Salem for BBQ is a place called "Busters" and another called, "Adam's Rib." They're no County Line BBQ, but about as close as one can probably get up here.

There isn't a single Tex-Mex restaurant in the area. The missus and I frequent a little Mexican food restaurant called Los Dos Amigos on the Yankee side of Salem and a place called La Hacienda in the south. Danged if we didn't order the "spicy" salsa the other night at Los Dos and didn't even work up the slightest sweat.

That seems to be the basic state of Mexican food - and food in general up here - bland as buttermilk. Puttin' your boot in the oven don't make it no danged biscuit and wrapping a tortilla around something and calling it "Mexican Food" ain't going make it so either.

Sorry...enough complaining. Have I mentioned the rain? You didn't mention to me when you "assigned" us here that it rains solid from November through April. I'm not talkin' gully washers either. Just the constant drip, drip, drip of what we would call a "sprinkle" in Texas and what they call "rain" here.

Please send up an ample supply of Gebhardt's chili powder. I haven't had a decent bowl of chili in a month of Sundays.

I look forward to seeing you on my next trip to the "holy land."

Your humble servant,
Randy Hill
Texas Ambassador to the Pacific Northwest
Salem, Oregon Outpost